This is what I have learned about myself this week.
I was the least self destructive when I was with my first boyfriend, and I have come to the conclusion that this was because I didnt have to look after him like I have had to look after partners in other relationships. Being with a guy who can look after himself, who is independent and self sufficient gave me more time and more brain space to actually look after myself!
This doesnt mean to say I loved him more, as that is far from true. The love I have in my previous (and longest relationship) is like nothing I have ever had before and something I long to have back, but I need to be in a relationship where I am not being someones taxi or having to tell them when the train/bus is or cooking all the time etc, you get the picture.
My last relationship felt more like I was looking after him on a practical day to day level and he was supporting me while I was ill. I feel if maybe he had put his foot down more and perhaps been a more dominant figure I would have not wanted to hurt myself so much.
I would not change my last relationship for anything, I had my best friend and boyfriend all wrapped into one, but no relationship is perfect and I feel if the dynamics of our relationship had been different perhaps I would have been able to take care of myself better.
I am aware this is a lot of 'what if's' and you can't cant change the past but the prospect of getting back together with my most recent boyfriend is something that I think about a lot. But I know myself so much better now and know that whenever and whoever I am next in a relationship with, by that time I will know what I need.
