I need more.

This is what I have learned about myself this week.
I was the least self destructive when I was with my first boyfriend, and I have come to the conclusion that this was because I didnt have to look after him like I have had to look after partners in other relationships. Being with a guy who can look after himself, who is independent and self sufficient gave me more time and more brain space to actually look after myself!
This doesnt mean to say I loved him more, as that is far from true. The love I have in my previous (and longest relationship) is like nothing I have ever had before and something I long to have back, but I need to be in a relationship where I am not being someones taxi or having to tell them when the train/bus is or cooking all the time etc, you get the picture.
My last relationship felt more like I was looking after him on a practical day to day level and he was supporting me while I was ill. I feel if maybe he had put his foot down more and perhaps been a more dominant figure I would have not wanted to hurt myself so much.
I would not change my last relationship for anything, I had my best friend and boyfriend all wrapped into one, but no relationship is perfect and I feel if the dynamics of our relationship had been different perhaps I would have been able to take care of myself better.
I am aware this is a lot of 'what if's' and you can't cant change the past but the prospect of getting back together with my most recent boyfriend is something that I think about a lot. But I know myself so much better now and know that whenever and whoever I am next in a relationship with, by that time I will know what I need.

Crossroads

So basically I am at a crossroads in my life and I dont know what to do.
Because I had to take so much time out of uni last year I dont feel like I can go back. On the downside, my media career comes pretty much to a standstill.
I have no enthusiasm, love or direction and I just dont know what to do with myself next.
In a dream world I would shop, decorate, bake and craft my days away but that's not really going to get me very far. I feel like a dead end job would disappoint those around me, but not quite sure where else I can go.
Whatever decision I make it's going to be so hard, and probably end up being the wrong thing to do!

About Me

Hi, I'm Kirsty.
I have written blogs before for university work but never done one for myself.
I love doing craft, watching the Crime channel and generally creating.
There are many sides to me, some are nice, some not so nice.
For example, I'm currently having treatment at the Priory for an eating disorder, depression and severe anxiety. Not so nice.
On the nice side of things I love music, coffee trips, watching films and reading. A bit of a culture vulture.
So what can you expect? Some personal rants that will make you wish you had never clicked, and some of the other things that are more lighthearted and creative.